Friday, August 28, 2009

A Tale to Tell

Hey -- Well, I'm still trying; haven't given up the ship -- though I do see few rats running by  --  

There is ballast to throw overboard and provisions that will be needed when I land on the desert island. For example....

For example there is a modest treasure chest and our heroine could possibly go to the culinary school thus ensuring a place on the tourist side of the island doing something she loved -though she fears working for the greasy island chimp, but perhaps eventually opening up her own coconut tree could happen. But the using the treasure chest might sink her ship before she gets to the island. Or not!  

She could just take some of the ships library which is lusciously filled with books of every kind and writing utensils of every kind. She would have to part with many, and this, though difficult, is not impossible and our heroine may be able to barter the no longer needed books and artistic supplies for other needed goods. 

Our heroine enjoys writing and though she has keel-hauled it for two years it might come around again. Keeping some of the books could be useful as she hones her writing skills. Though she has been told that there is dark place in the middle of the island that is gathering place for hostile's called agents and publishers, a veritable blood bath she has been told for those who might publish her book. Getting in and out of this place alive is possible if she acquires a very hard tortoise shell when she gets to the island and then spends time caring for it so it does not crack and continues to protect her on her journey. However, she has no marketable idea for a book. So all this may be mute.

Our heroine as been told by shipmates that writing or gastronomy are both worthy pursuits that she is quite capable of. Several of the shipmates have fallen under her spell after consuming magical delicacies like macaroni and cheese, though others have fallen at her knees begging for the rack of lamb with fig/rosemary sauce.

One oddity; the ship was carrying a moose in it's hold, odder still was that it could spell words to communicate. The moose was old and had several handi-caps that had made it hard for her to travel on her own, but her mind was still sharp and she tapped out to our heroine that maybe she would be well served by stopping by the local eateries, sampling their particular fare and perhaps, gasp, writing about it.  A Food Critic. A Traveling Food Critic! A culinary writer.

Our heroine as been consumed with this idea since hearing it only a few days ago. Unfortunately she has added to her book collection instead of detracting garnering more knowledge about such a quest. But, after a long day of bailing water from the ship, scouting the horizon for a safe landing, asking seagulls & dolphins for direction, fending off sharks and tending to a passenger with a bad case of cabin fever, she is holding this idea in her heart pocket, safe from the wind. She pulls it out at night, when she is looking at the stars, and dreams. 

Her mother tells her she should write children's stories and her sister says she should teach.  Our heroine thinks that no matter what direction she goes there will always being a dark middle of the jungle to hike into and out of when one wants to succeed.

Luckily, there are others that swim close to the ship, keeping it safe as can be, and
she still has that styling fairy godmother in the mysterious far east who has left packages of cheer floating in the sea for our heroine to hook up and take encouragement from. Though the blue elephant with a yellow ribbon on his head was a trifle difficult to scoop. But he made it, and is now fast friends with Moosie.  

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Okay, I know -- that could use a serious re-write -- was just abstractly speaking -- so to speak.
take good care  who knows what could happen. 

Love
Cyn

Saturday, August 22, 2009

Good tidings

hey there out there -- 


I hope all my friends are hanging in there. Wow, I think the worst of my husbands descent into mental illness is over. I'm sure it was precipitated by the seraquol, an anti-psychotic that was not necessary in the first place, which I voiced to the psychiatrist, and I'm damn sure my decision to take him off is why he is better. Though during the weeks of extreme psychosis I doubted everything. I'm not sure I've ever know such fear before. Resisting the push by his family to hospitalize him was tuff. I knew it was the doctors fault, though the doctor would not admit to it. When I took dearest back to him, his answer was to increase the dosage. It was crazy, literally, and sometimes I thought I was going crazy. Your gentle words of support were much needed and much appreciated.  He is doing so well -- I mean he's still depressed but not psychotic anymore and I do think the lamactil helped with the depression as he does not seem to be so severely depressed. 

The road back will be slow and bumpy, but this crisis as shown that I can semi- confidently handle more than I thought I could. Even if I don't like it. There is more to do in the coming year -- I'm not sure where we will live or what we will be doing. I wish sometimes there was something else to focus on besides leaving our home and where the heck are we going to get money to live on-- knowing I'm living here on borrowed time -- I keep thinking some miracle is going to happen -- like suddenly we'll get some big job and we can keep our home and business. I hate opening cupboards and always thinking "well, that will have to go and that will get packed" or all these dishes can go in to the estate sale -- do I really need this or can I sell it. And god, I have books and books, one room in the house was turned into a library/study of sorts -- hundreds, each one is a memory, most are non-fiction, they are a catalog of my journey of studies for the last 25 years. 

The other day I was so desperate -- this is bad -- I actually wished someone would hit me while I was driving and it would be all their fault, but I would be only slightly damaged, the car would be totaled and I would get another one and not have to turn my car back in.  Okay -- that is slightly on the sick side. It was either that or phone sex!
Seriously, there was a thing on TV on how some women are making ends meet by working for a phone sex company -- and raking in 60,000 a year! I don't think I could do it -- I've never been much for talking -- yikes -- not going there......

I suppose wishing I had some ancient rich aunt that drops dead and leaves me about 500,000 won't work either. Well, that's scary all my schemes to get out of this mess involve injury, sex or death. I'm twisted -- desperate times require desperate measures?  Maybe a rich blogger will read this and take pity on me and send 500,000 dollars anonymously?  I think all we needed was another year till the economy came back...but the best laid plans. 

Also, what ever plans I had in studying color theory and continuing with art is out the door -- I have a bunch of supplies; canvases, paints, gel mediums, epherma I wish I could sell to someone without worrying about trying to ship the stuff. 

But, I have to say, that during this whole thing it seems I am being watched out for -- or something --- everyone I have met leads me to another person that is helpful, that doesn't want to charge me, or charges me very little and they lead me to another helpful person, and if they can't help their kindness is amazing. There have only been two twits in this whole thing and that says a lot more for humanity than I was giving it credit for. 

It seems to be fairly depressing to read my fellow art bloggers anymore, everyone seems so safe and comfy in their homes -- getting to produce art -- I'm happy for them, but my heart aches so, selfish has this sounds, I really don't want to visit those blogs anymore  -- I suppose that makes me a terrible person -- envy and coveting -- deadly sins last time I checked -- but, also hard to check in ones own personality -- Ego is not easy to live with , because I think if I was truly spiritual I wouldn't have an ego and would blithely go one about living, whether it be in a car or the hundred acre wood. I don't suppose Winnie the Pooh would care  -- makes me think of that book the Tao of Pooh --- great book if you haven't read it. 

Lately, my creativity gets poured into cooking when I can -- well reading lots of my cookbook's helps for some reason -- go figure -- I get upset and start to read a cookbook and am soothed.  My one guilty pleasure is "Top Chef." Makes my week. :)

Well, ladies and gents, once again super apologies for not having time to catch up on your blogs, I actually miss not reading about someone else other than myself -- or your beautiful poetry -- just don't seem to have the time and when I'm done with a day I seem to fall asleep at all hours.

New psychiatrist in a couple of hours. we will see -- 

Everything is an opportunity, right? And my husband can see me and talk to me -- that is all I really wanted anyway.

Blessings
Cyn





Friday, August 7, 2009

Strength and Fear

Align RightShould one choose a psyche ward over ECT(electro shock) when one is anti-depressant resistant and all other meds fail and you do not have insurance. What do you do? I have to look in to ACCHS.

Those psyche wards are scary places, the private ones use anti-depressants and anti-psychotic drugs as a first line treatment, both which have not worked at home. 

I've been doing research on ECT --it's also expensive and it alone is not the answer. It is supposed to be used in conjunction with other medication. but I've heard it has good results. But it seems drastic -- but if he is not responding to meds or they make him worse -- he can't keep going like this -- god, I can't either for that matter. 

He has never suffered from any mental disorder before. He basically has had a nervous breakdown that is getting worse the more medications we try. His best month was the one that was holistic, but I'm afraid that bridge has been burned now. He is too unstable now to go back to that route.

I've been told the ambien he was on for two weeks has nothing to do with anything, yet he was taking two and a mood stabilizer when this all went worse. Then the Seraquol. It's been 6 months since the initial onset of depression. I've looked online and you can get decent info. The exchanges go from this is the best drug and this is the worst. Every body is different I realize this. 

I shut down the business -- a hard thing yesterday was looking into our last and loyal employees and saying it was the end. We have no income, though can apply for unemployment. 

Just when I thought I was getting used to the rolls, it got worse last night -- waaay worse. This is not for home care anymore --I don't think. 


blessings, I'm wish I could get back to reading everyone. Just not there yet.  I used to read stuff of people talking about the bad in their lives and think that was all that they were made of, and some do live for drama -- I don't. Just miss a regular schedule instead of this quicksand or never knowing what is going to happen next. Though preferring one thing and getting another is not reason for not being thankful for the small things and I am. It's actually amazing how the small becomes more vivid in acute crisis. Weird how the world looks, bright smiling faces -- it's surreal sometimes. Like I'm living in one world an everyone else is living next to me, but I'm invisible.