hey there out there --
I hope all my friends are hanging in there. Wow, I think the worst of my husbands descent into mental illness is over. I'm sure it was precipitated by the seraquol, an anti-psychotic that was not necessary in the first place, which I voiced to the psychiatrist, and I'm damn sure my decision to take him off is why he is better. Though during the weeks of extreme psychosis I doubted everything. I'm not sure I've ever know such fear before. Resisting the push by his family to hospitalize him was tuff. I knew it was the doctors fault, though the doctor would not admit to it. When I took dearest back to him, his answer was to increase the dosage. It was crazy, literally, and sometimes I thought I was going crazy. Your gentle words of support were much needed and much appreciated. He is doing so well -- I mean he's still depressed but not psychotic anymore and I do think the lamactil helped with the depression as he does not seem to be so severely depressed.
The road back will be slow and bumpy, but this crisis as shown that I can semi- confidently handle more than I thought I could. Even if I don't like it. There is more to do in the coming year -- I'm not sure where we will live or what we will be doing. I wish sometimes there was something else to focus on besides leaving our home and where the heck are we going to get money to live on-- knowing I'm living here on borrowed time -- I keep thinking some miracle is going to happen -- like suddenly we'll get some big job and we can keep our home and business. I hate opening cupboards and always thinking "well, that will have to go and that will get packed" or all these dishes can go in to the estate sale -- do I really need this or can I sell it. And god, I have books and books, one room in the house was turned into a library/study of sorts -- hundreds, each one is a memory, most are non-fiction, they are a catalog of my journey of studies for the last 25 years.
The other day I was so desperate -- this is bad -- I actually wished someone would hit me while I was driving and it would be all their fault, but I would be only slightly damaged, the car would be totaled and I would get another one and not have to turn my car back in. Okay -- that is slightly on the sick side. It was either that or phone sex!
Seriously, there was a thing on TV on how some women are making ends meet by working for a phone sex company -- and raking in 60,000 a year! I don't think I could do it -- I've never been much for talking -- yikes -- not going there......
I suppose wishing I had some ancient rich aunt that drops dead and leaves me about 500,000 won't work either. Well, that's scary all my schemes to get out of this mess involve injury, sex or death. I'm twisted -- desperate times require desperate measures? Maybe a rich blogger will read this and take pity on me and send 500,000 dollars anonymously? I think all we needed was another year till the economy came back...but the best laid plans.
Also, what ever plans I had in studying color theory and continuing with art is out the door -- I have a bunch of supplies; canvases, paints, gel mediums, epherma I wish I could sell to someone without worrying about trying to ship the stuff.
But, I have to say, that during this whole thing it seems I am being watched out for -- or something --- everyone I have met leads me to another person that is helpful, that doesn't want to charge me, or charges me very little and they lead me to another helpful person, and if they can't help their kindness is amazing. There have only been two twits in this whole thing and that says a lot more for humanity than I was giving it credit for.
It seems to be fairly depressing to read my fellow art bloggers anymore, everyone seems so safe and comfy in their homes -- getting to produce art -- I'm happy for them, but my heart aches so, selfish has this sounds, I really don't want to visit those blogs anymore -- I suppose that makes me a terrible person -- envy and coveting -- deadly sins last time I checked -- but, also hard to check in ones own personality -- Ego is not easy to live with , because I think if I was truly spiritual I wouldn't have an ego and would blithely go one about living, whether it be in a car or the hundred acre wood. I don't suppose Winnie the Pooh would care -- makes me think of that book the Tao of Pooh --- great book if you haven't read it.
Lately, my creativity gets poured into cooking when I can -- well reading lots of my cookbook's helps for some reason -- go figure -- I get upset and start to read a cookbook and am soothed. My one guilty pleasure is "Top Chef." Makes my week. :)
Well, ladies and gents, once again super apologies for not having time to catch up on your blogs, I actually miss not reading about someone else other than myself -- or your beautiful poetry -- just don't seem to have the time and when I'm done with a day I seem to fall asleep at all hours.
New psychiatrist in a couple of hours. we will see --
Everything is an opportunity, right? And my husband can see me and talk to me -- that is all I really wanted anyway.
Blessings
Cyn
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8 comments:
I am so so so glad that your husband has avoided hospitalization and is doing better. All due to your diligence and fighting for him and standing up to the doctor. You are one tough cookie.
As far as envy and the rest ... gee, welcome to the human race sweetie. You are struggling, it would be hard not to feel envy of those who aren't at this point in their lives. The good thing is you recognize you feel envy. That's the true spirituality. If you deny or hide it, it will eat you up and make you a bitch (believe me I know ...)
Just continue taking care of yourself the best you can. And enjoying your victory with having helped your husband back from a very scary place.
And thanks for keeping us in the loop. We care and are worried about you and holding you and your husband in our thoughts.
It's great that things are looking up. You're strong and doing all you can.
$60,000 a year? Jeeze. I guess you'd have to pay someone well to do that!
Don't fret about not being able to visit blogs. It's not an obligation. You and your husband need to come first.
As always- lots of love and best of luck to you. <3
I have those kinds of thoughts, too. It's human nature, I think. At least you made your aunt really old. :) You are very brave, taking on all you have and sharing it so openly with us here. It's great to hear that things are looking up!
Cynthia~ I am so happy to hear, number one that you were able to keep your husband home during all of this, that says so many wonderful things about you. Also, that you knew in your heart that his meds were causing more troubles, kudos to you for standing up to the doctor
and getting that straightened out.
I wish all the best for you and your husband and that you get the relief that you so deserve. Tough times, but you are one hell of a strong woman, so you will keep going. Keep your thoughts
p o s i t i v e !!!
One day, life will settle down and you will have the peace and your husband happily together and you will once again study and produce your art!!! I am sure of it!
Take positively good care~hugs~
~Calli
Take care of you, my friend.
Praying for better days.
:)
Maybe there are shrinks who do something other than push pills, but they're rare around this part of the country, at least.
"I actually wished someone would hit me while I was driving and it would be all their fault"
"Sick" to wish for such a thing? I hardly think so. This and your resentment of other artists make PERFECT sense to me. When it's hard to find a way out, our imagination naturally takes over. When others have what we so desperately want, only a saint could avoid at least a little resentment.
I am happy things seem to have quieted and may return to some semblance of "normal", whatever that is, I have never known where that is or what ... anyway, please don't feel you must come to my blog either tho I have not done any art to post in what seems like an age...mostly photography right now or silly jokes for some reason...I am becoming a comedienne and you are becoming a sea captain! what's important is keeping in touch with friends, of which you are one of mine, and that Iwill continue to do!
blessings to you and yours.
xoxo
Wow, Cynthia -- I'm so in awe of what you have had to deal with, and that your husband is back ... if not totally well, at least on the other side of a horrific place. And I see that you are in that painful process of shedding ... of so many things. Your life as you knew it, yes? But then, that part of your life has been dispersing for awhile, hasn't it.
It's painful to be in the unknown, with no assurances. But the jewel that is your essence, the heart of you shines so fiercely, so blazing and bright -- Cynthia, what you yearn for so deeply for yourself, some quality of existence, some promise of peace and strength and calm and flowering -- I just feel it from you, even (and especially?) when you write from your "darkest"--edge-iest and honest places of self. You may be giving up your art (for now), no longer able to create, but, Cynthia dear--I feel the art that is your soul, and it is taking wing in wild, dare I write--even purposeful--flight -- even as your life may seem to be speaking otherwise to you. Believe in the Hawk that is your soul. You are finding your way in the dark, and have been doing so for quite some time .... Nothing easy about that.
Please keep writing your blog, if you're willing! Don't worry about reading anyone else's ... I
Much love to you,
Jane
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