Sending Love

I'm not always politically correct and the fine thing about being here is I can be all my contradictions. But when one is willing to put their mouth out there, as I did on a message board, one has to take the knocks -- without putting others down, for not understanding or being  myopic. 

 I'm supposed to be packing right now, but even though there were good intentions, I was never-the-less disturbed in my force. lol So, I went in my room and started saying the rosary, though not a practicing Catholic, that action always seems to center me. Then I was able to send out loving-kindness, first to myself and then to others and then I became lighter. I saw not a collective, but individual faces, beings. No-one was myopic or not understanding. They were just coming from their own experiences. 

I'm still a bit uncomfortable -- but I'm figuring if I'm going to be true to myself, not everyone has to agree -- or even like me and be at peace with that. 

Robyn you just made me feel so good about myself it just spilled all over the place! lol

okay -- really leaving in an hour. Hubby as had a few good days -- I'm hoping this will not stress him too much and I can get him to enjoy the beach. I will take him on many walks and hold his hand. And let him know that it is safe, we will be alright no matter what.

in grace and love,

Mexico

Pretty, isn't she. 

Taking off for a few days -- actually business. Time to put this bad boy on the market -- hopefully break even. It was an 8 year good run with the kids, great snorkeling -- restful too.

Gotta do what ya gotta do. Hey, anyone you know want a 2 bedroom condo in Mexico on the Sea of Cortez? Puerto Penasco.

Anyway, hope to get some body boarding in or snorkeling, maybe see some dolphins and sea lions -- with the other. Depends on weather. 

See ya all on the flip side  :)

Cyn

Mac-n-Cheese

Tales From Twisty Lane, Snap and her wonderful nose for sniffing out great new blogs, lead me to here, Dear Daisy Cottage, where a Mac-n-Cheese thread lead to some delicious findings, along with a truly uplifting, cheery blog. So I thought I'd put my particular Southwest recipe up here and wanted to see if anyone else had one share.

My SIL and I put this one together

Cyn and Sara's 

Arizona Mac-n-Cheese

 

1/4 cup butter

1/4 cup flour

1 tsp powdered mustard

2 1/2 cups whole milk

coarsely grated best cheese money can buy:

1 cup Monterrey Cheese

1 cup Pepper Jack Cheese

1 cup Sharp Cheddar

1 cup  fresh grated (if you have the inclination)Parmesan

mix all cheeses in a lg bowl

1/8 tsp white pepper

1 Tbl Worcestershire sauce

1 Tbl finely grated yellow onion (opt) better with though.

Optional: 1 Jalapeno diced small without seeds. depends if you like it hot -- 

Preheat over to 350 F. Melt butter in a saucepan over moderate heat, blend in flour and mustard, slowly stir in milk, and cook until thickened. Mix in 3 cups of cheese and all the rest of the ingredients. salt if you need more. Cook till cheese melts. it may be a little runny but sets after baking. Off heat, mix in macaroni; turn into a buttered 2 Qt casserole. (this is great at Xmas) sprinkle with remaining cheese, and bake uncovered for 1/2 hour, give or take, depending on your oven, till bubbly and lightly browned. 

Enjoy

Cynthia

 

Turning a corner

Sometimes one runs into the stop sign, before turning the corner. :) I'm taking some time to think this weekend. There is so much I believe in, that are part of my soul.  Mother and wife were, are huge identifies to disentangle oneself from.

Right now I can actually feel my insides stretching, my mind HAS to open to further solutions and new ideas, it has no choice.  Fear likes to take over. Change -- big word there, change...it's not like changing hair style's for the fun of it. But it is good to be pushed into something different. I probably wouldn't do anything if I wasn't pushed --my survival instinct has kicked in. Maybe good is too strong of a word :) but healthy in the long run. I think my body, at 48, was starting to settle in for the long ride of doing nothing, except gardening and waiting for kids to come home, grandchildren eventually, and taking care of hubby-- it just got woke the hell out of that delusion! lol

Things get messy during transitions. I know this. I also know there is a life I want, its a vague representation, a doppleganger already in existence. I feel parts of it -- out of reach... I feel like I  must just keep moving though the direction is unsure, it's apparently not here anymore, and something I could not have imagined is going to happen...   or maybe my mind went off the deep end with out telling me. 

I'm finding by blogging, I am finding my authentic voice, because everyone can tell when it's not -- but sometimes I didn't know it/I wasn't. I was always putting on the face of problem solver, mother, wife, run a business, know it all and help others achieve stability, which didn't mean to be a face, it just was. Still in my writing I have to fight the instinct to "tell" others how to do things through my past achievements and failures, rather than in current time 'showing' the everydayness of my living. I'm in a brand new world, and I don't know anything, I can't give anyone advice and I have to listen to others in order to survive. It's turning into the best therapy I could have had. 

I see strength happening -- I didn't expect it -- that's the weird thing. 

My mind is finding solutions and resting places within while still feeling the fear and panic. A very odd sensation ... it makes me feel a little tougher and gives choices. I guess I've been pushed to a place of creating my own personal health, not just reading about it, or wishing for it or talking in vague philosophical terms about it. 

I was excited to get a few new paints yesterday, and we are going to see the movie "Management." Then laps in the pool this afternoon. 

Thank you for your support last week, (for reading, for listening, I felt the concern -- it was pretty amazing) and knowing I'm not really a baby, or a sarcastic twit -- (affirmations work -- :) & so does exercise)

in grace and love always,

Cyn

Dreams

I found myself dreaming last night, dreams that I remembered, which is rare. I think it was the smell of wet desert, something indescribably beautiful. Rain and clouds for the last 3 days saturated my senses I think. 

Maybe it was because I started painting last night and it awakened a part of my brain, whatever the reason, a touch of divine reached a finger tip on my third eye.  

I swam in the pool at 5:30 this morning.The water was soothing and it began to drizzle. My soul was assuaged. 

I think we will go for Thai at our favorite restaurant. There are two other paintings, but I am satisfied with this one. 

in grace and love

always, :) 

Tori Asks

The creative and very philosophically minded Tori asked me 5 questions from the interview meme. 

If you want to be be interviewed Here are the rules.

• leave me a comment with your email address saying: “interview me”
• I will e-mail you five questions of my choice
• you can then answer the questions on your blog {with a link back to my blog}
• you should also post these rules, along with an offer to interview anyone else who emails you, wanting to be interviewed
• anyone who asks to be interviewed should be sent 5 questions to answer on their blog
• it would be nice if the questions were individualized for each blogger

What is the best or worst advice you've ever received?

Worst --Freshman year of HighSchool at a Catholic HS we were given books about careers and after due consideration went to a scheduled conference with a nun advisor. I wanted to study oceanography (since the joining the AirForce and becoming an astronaut had been nixed) the last frontier I thought would be the oceans -- So I wanted to  go to Scripts Institute and San Diego. I was raised in Wisconsin and was promptly told that would take me away from my family and how would I feel about that? choose something less difficult and closer.

Best -- My dad told me not to call my boyfriend that had broken up with me because he wasn't sure if what he wanted (he was still married, though estranged for almost two years, just hadn't got around to the divorce part.) No matter how impatient, no matter how much a longed to hear his voice, Dad told me don't call him no matter what -- he'll be back, & he was, and I married him. :)

 

What do you think has been the greatest experience of your life?

it's a cliche -- hand's down having my children -- from conception until now, nothing has ever given me more gifts of love, of the opportunity to love soooooo much. my god it takes my breath away.

After that jumping off a 35 foot cliff into the river water below -- scared the living crap out of myself and exhilarated me to my marrow!

 

What's the last thing that made you laugh uncontrollably?

Too long a story, but has to do with brussel sprouts, Stargate, spewing water, my sons, husband and everyone feeding off of one sexual innuendo after another that had nothing to do with episode, only our twisted minds at the moment! had to be there, had a headache and stomache for hours after and my belly muscles were actually sore the next day from laughing!

 

If you could do anything in the world- what would it be?

heal my sons heart? cure Alzheimer's?  No? then travel, hike up Machu Picchu, Galapagos Islands, Chartes Cathedral, Sistine Chapel, castles in Germany, tramp around Tierra del Fuego.

What's your idea of a perfect meal?

Fresh, ethnic, good company.

 

thanks Tori! :)

Blue Nautilus

I wrote this two years ago summer.

Blue Nautilus

 In the morning light she dives in the cool water and feels the blue rolling over and undulating the sex of her rhythm.

 I move forward confidently, stroke layered upon stroke, breathing in the warm air. My flesh is covered in seal skin and the blue nautilus fills my watery vision. Stroke, breathe, stroke, breathe, kick – continuous. Elation, well being, clouds of blue pulled into my mind and the compartments of my life begin their roll call.  First to be recalled is the unflattering; that person I spoke to on the phone, was it acrimonious? No, perhaps difficult, self-centering the movement keeps my mind from self-beratement and negative spirals.

My mind circles the chambers inward, my husbands laugh at my self-deprecating joke on the way out the glass door causes an involuntary smile. Deep harmonious, Santa Fe blue. Snapshots of the day shopping with my boys; smiles, laughs, jokes, profiles, jaw lines, a pair of green eyes, a pair of chocolate brown ones all observed by my pair of amber ones.

The spiral continues in and Gram Is, Is remembered sitting up in the bed of the nursing home, her long gray hair thinly distributed across her small, petite shoulders. She can’t get out of bed today but her humour is intact and the love in her pale green eyes makes me silent, staring, suddenly awestruck in the presence of this 95 year old woman who has seen so much, been through so much and still there is the unvarnished true love as she looks at me. The under odors of the home disappear and I know I smell blue violets, her favorite.

Reflecting the sky is why a pool is blue. The Nautilus chambers spiral ever closer to the heart, the deep things I’m afraid to think of; my book, my writing. The story refuses to flesh out. There is too much research, I can’t do it…without being aware I’m creating a new character, one that will pull the disjointed ends together but it curls at the edge of my mind. Keep going, keep breathing, stroke, breathe, stroke breathe, kick to the center, Turning ever inward till it is dark and no light escapes and the fear compressed. The hollowness of the center of a shell and there I am alone, finally, and it is empty…

My head breaks the surface and I pull the snorkel tube from my mouth and inhale deeply, Blue sky, solid concrete, not alone.

 

mmm.... I just found this today looking for something else. Kind of surprised myself. I thought my writing was more crappy than this. Lordie, one really needs to stop the negative self abuse and move forward with a tad more courage. I really don't want my tombstone to read "she didn't have any balls to move through her natural fears as a human to create, even to create badly, and died with greatness, never unleashed,  still in her soul." 

More than anything I wanted to relate how seriously impressed I was at the responses to my "Fragile Day." Finding a caliber of concern without pity honored my strength and honored yours.  To have deep concern in one's heart without  interference, yet faith in the purposefulness of my life as well as yours, and the belief in one to fulfill her own destiny is a remarkable trait in a human. There was so much grace to be at the receiving end, yet still feel like I had given a gift as well.  amazing grace :)

I also wanted to say that that kind of support held the tension that had that finally broke free, it held  a safe space for a time, kindness allowed tears, and then relief and release. I can't control this, and I know I will wax and wane with trying to. In the moment of surrender there was peace. This is not so totally miraculous, but it was significant.  

in grace and love on this beautiful Sunday.

A Prairie Home Companion ;)

The Way In 

the watering hole. Attracts lots of creatures including a pair of Harris Hawks, the occasional javelina, coyotes and only once saw a bobcat. 

Queen Palms and the gate east, my study and art corner face out this way, there are lots of birds that enjoy the fountain, and that tree in the corner is a Fig tree.

My friends, starting with Peppermint, the dog that thinks he's alpha dog, but plays with me every morning.  
Lucy, the Cat. We are being so demure here, and  think it's okay to be on the kitchen table if we are on the newspaper. 
Cajun, the actual alpha dog, he was camera shy and had to get close to me, so you are missing his grey whiskers -- getting old buddy.
Aspen who doesn't give a hoot, except it just heated up outside: I'm molting and will you please brush me! (this weekend, I promise)
The Bridge over the wash honey and I built, the mountain/hill in the back that we climb and an Ironwood in it's last bloom of pale lavender. 
Cisco and Ambrosia! Yes, I have carrots.
The Hen House and the goat pen. No goats for awhile now,-- which is okay :)
The Reading Room -- I have a small chair I sit in and read here. 

 It was cathartic to take pictures of our home and companions. 

Hope you enjoyed the tour!

Blessings

Chickens

This morning!

The first wee eggs laid! (brown one is large store bought)They taste so much better than store bought, and I can eat egg white omelets without guilt for tossing the yolk.


Remember when....
12 weeks

14 to 16 weeks -- the white leghorns are monstrously huge!



Taking pictures with a Cybershot has been a thorn in my side! I'm having age issue's that are quickly turning into little rants. I finally found a battery for my pre-digital age, "ancient" 10 year old camera. Though I can't find Photoshop for my 5 year old Mac. Lordie, things do move fast in technology. It is a shame though. This is about as clean as I could get these shots.

But, these gals are fun to watch mill around in the morning before it gets too hot -- 101 this afternoon -- it's dry so not bad --eventually we will turn on the misters in the coop when we start hitting 108 and up.

Have a great day!

a Star Trek Mother's Day

I went to see Star Trek by myself Friday morning! It is awesome fun -- okay understatement, I was screaming OMG on the phone to my sons after LOL!!! So Sam, first born and Jason, born 15 months later (Irish twins almost, on their way from Tucson home for the weekend, made me whip a Uey and get more tickets for few hours later -- I haven't seen a movie twice in one day since Star Wars I think! A helluva lot of fun. Well done!

Swam and played in the pool yesterday --our antics made the four of us laughed so hard it hurt. Played backgammon with my Jace. Been hugged many times over by my Sam. Watched "the Namesake" which made us all very emotional -- looked a lot like us sometimes -- I love my family. I'm so glad I had those boys!!lol!! We've all been reminscing of their childhood memories -- some I've gone "I didn't do that!" and then, "You did What?" -- I guess they feel old enough to confess past crimes -- more laughter!

I have a few more hours with them before they take off. More than anything I thank God for them being a part of my life and teaching me things I would never known, and for making me a better person, and I am so, so grateful for the gift of two young men -- and for love they show me through action and word.~~Thank you guys, always and forever -- I love you -- more deeply than I ever knew was possible. Who knew it would hurt to love this much? The best gift is being able to love them for all of my life. I don't ever want to forget this weekend. Bliss.

I'm back Yea!

I appreciate the well wishes while I was ill.

Kavindra thanks for the nudge. big hugs and Robyn too -- your comment reactivated my interest in blogging.

Well, it's like this. I relapsed on the flu big time. I took the anti-viral medicine for a few days, felt better, didn't finish it - I know dumb, believe me I regretted it, renewed taking it, but was fairly ill until Sunday, I think I coughed up a lung - as that gross saying goes. I haven't been that sick in over 12 years (fevers are depressing things.) I couldn't concentrate to watch TV or read -- sleep was intense or sparse..., got to become intimate friends with my ceiling fan.

So Sun and Mon were start to move days. Checked computer but was having that feeling like when you haven't done your art for awhile; you should, you don't know what to do first -- Tues I had cabin fever and took myself to the movies. The only movie playing when I showed up was "The Fast and the Furious" which turned out to be a helluva a lot of fun. heck I'll admit it -- I like both actors -- Paul Walker should be in more movies and I love Pitch Black and Chronicles of Riddick.

Yesterday cleaned up-- sort of, and started the "To-Do" list. Put together my recipe for Mole (mo-lay) -- (I'll include it for a treat with the warning it is labor of love when it is made and plan on spending the day cooking it and a couple of days before gathering ingredients.) because the boys are coming Saturday! OMG I can hardly contain myself!

I did start reading a color theory book and looked over my paints and another book with a geriatric heroine that collects cat hair in jam jars for her friend to weave into a sleeveless cardigan and lets a hen lay eggs on her bed, "The Hearing Trumpet." Thank You Linda for you for leading me to Remedios Varo, her Art work is absolutely the most stunning, technically and intuitively I have ever experienced. This lead me to Leonora Carrington, her artist friend, who also wrote, "The Hearing Trumpet" being one. I am totally enamored!

Okay, my computer has to go in today at noon -- God knows how long they will keep it, hopefully not long.

I have pictures of the chickens -- I had no idea the white leg-horns turn into Godzilla chickens!

Robyn-- thank you so much for dropping by.

Here is the recipe I'll be making for the boys this Sat.

Mole Poblano de Guajolote

*Set a tortilla out in the morning
Preheat oven to 375

6# turkey cut into serving pieces
1onion, chopped lg
2 garlic cloves chopped
Celtic Sea Salt – (this has better flavor, but less is more)
6 Tbl lard (you can sub corn oil – but will loose some flavor)

Mole Sauce

6 dried ancho chiles
4 dried pasilla chilies
4 dried negro or mulatto chilies

1-2 drained canned chipolte chile (I like the heat so I do not seed it)

2 onions cut into wedges put on skewers
2 lg garlic cloves
1# tomato’s halved (heirlooms, roma, ones from your garden ☺
{place last three items on a med hot grill – sprayed with Pam, roast till slightly blackened but not burnt, remove from grill and put in large bowl has the different sizes blacken and soften slightly, the skins will split on the tomato’s – we are not looking for mush here, but a nice charred taste and a softened tomato -easier to process - this can mean closing the lid and waiting several minutes to turn – not more than 30 min. depending on hot your grill. Try not to mess with the tomato’s too much, need the liquid inside; sear the bottom cut side down first, mainly charring the skin}

*one stale tortilla, torn into pieces
1/3 cup raisins
½ cup ground almonds
¼ cup ground pinon nuts (pine nuts in some cities)
¼ cup ground pepitas/pumpkin seeds (no shell)

3 Tbl sesame seeds ground
1 tsp coriander seeds ground
1 tsp fennel ground
--this is the not an easy part, get creative, you’ll lose some product when crushing, don’t worry about it. (I use a mocajete and stuff sticks to the sides and doesn’t come out – if you use already ground, cut it down to ½ tsp.’s)

1 tsp ground cinnamon
¼ tsp fresh ground pepper (I use Tellicherry – slightly sweet back flavor)
{place last five ingredients in a small, dry, med/low heat, cast iron or sauté pan; briefly roast, (a 30 sec to a minute or two, don’t burn, let the aroma guide you – you should just start smelling them roast… shaking often – watch your eyes and don’t inhale right over the pan – }

4 Tbl lard (you can sub. corn oil for the lard – but tastes better with lard –one guilty pleasure ☺
1 ½ oz of the best unsweetened chocolate you can afford, broken into squares
1 Tbl sugar
Chicken broth

Celtic Sea and salt and fresh ground pepper

1. Put turkey pieces into a large enough pan to hold them in one layer. Add the onion and garlic and enough cold water to cover. Season with salt. Place in pre-heated oven for 1 hour or until turkey is tender. Allow for it being cooked twice more.

2. Meanwhile, put the ancho, pasilla, and negro chiles in a dry fry pan over gentle heat and roast them for a few minutes. Remove stems and shake out the seeds. {roasting brings out the flavor, it is recommended to wear gloves – I don’t, but I don’t touch my eyes for the rest of the day either} Tear the pods into pieces and place in a 1 qt saucepan. Cover with broth, (just,) bring to boil and simmer, covered, 30 to 45 minutes, turning every once in awhile.

3. Lift out the turkey pieces and pat dry with paper towels. Reserve the stock. Heat the lard in a large heavy frying pan and sauté the turkey pieces until lightly browned all over. Transfer to a plate and set aside. Reserve any oil left in the frying pan.

4. Transfer the chilies, along with the broth in which they have soaked, into a food processor. Add the chipotle pepper with the roasted onions, garlic, tomatos, tortilla, raisins, ground nuts and spices. Process to a puree. I do this in batches, it will be fairly thick.

5. Add the lard to the fat remaining in the frying pan used for sautéing the turkey. Heat the mixture, the add the chili and spice paste. Cook stirring for 5 – 8 minutes.

6. Transfer the mixture to the pan or casserole in which the turkey was originally cooked. Stir in 2 cups of the turkey stock (make up the difference with chicken broth if necessary.) Add the chocolate and season with salt and pepper. Cook over low heat until the chocolate has melted. Stir in the sugar. Add the turkey and more stock if needed. Cover the pan and simmer very gently for 30 minutes. Serve, garnish with fresh cilantro and sprinkled with sesame seeds.

7. Serve with Green Rice, Refried beans, Calabacitas, and fresh cut-up pineapple and melons.

Big hugs
Cynthia