Turning a corner

Sometimes one runs into the stop sign, before turning the corner. :) I'm taking some time to think this weekend. There is so much I believe in, that are part of my soul.  Mother and wife were, are huge identifies to disentangle oneself from.

Right now I can actually feel my insides stretching, my mind HAS to open to further solutions and new ideas, it has no choice.  Fear likes to take over. Change -- big word there, change...it's not like changing hair style's for the fun of it. But it is good to be pushed into something different. I probably wouldn't do anything if I wasn't pushed --my survival instinct has kicked in. Maybe good is too strong of a word :) but healthy in the long run. I think my body, at 48, was starting to settle in for the long ride of doing nothing, except gardening and waiting for kids to come home, grandchildren eventually, and taking care of hubby-- it just got woke the hell out of that delusion! lol

Things get messy during transitions. I know this. I also know there is a life I want, its a vague representation, a doppleganger already in existence. I feel parts of it -- out of reach... I feel like I  must just keep moving though the direction is unsure, it's apparently not here anymore, and something I could not have imagined is going to happen...   or maybe my mind went off the deep end with out telling me. 

I'm finding by blogging, I am finding my authentic voice, because everyone can tell when it's not -- but sometimes I didn't know it/I wasn't. I was always putting on the face of problem solver, mother, wife, run a business, know it all and help others achieve stability, which didn't mean to be a face, it just was. Still in my writing I have to fight the instinct to "tell" others how to do things through my past achievements and failures, rather than in current time 'showing' the everydayness of my living. I'm in a brand new world, and I don't know anything, I can't give anyone advice and I have to listen to others in order to survive. It's turning into the best therapy I could have had. 

I see strength happening -- I didn't expect it -- that's the weird thing. 

My mind is finding solutions and resting places within while still feeling the fear and panic. A very odd sensation ... it makes me feel a little tougher and gives choices. I guess I've been pushed to a place of creating my own personal health, not just reading about it, or wishing for it or talking in vague philosophical terms about it. 

I was excited to get a few new paints yesterday, and we are going to see the movie "Management." Then laps in the pool this afternoon. 

Thank you for your support last week, (for reading, for listening, I felt the concern -- it was pretty amazing) and knowing I'm not really a baby, or a sarcastic twit -- (affirmations work -- :) & so does exercise)

in grace and love always,

Cyn