Parallel Universe

I feel like I have lived in a parallel universe since July. Reading a few blogs and realizing life didn't stop around me I was just on the other side of it.

"There is nothing lost, but may be found, if sought."

Ms. Austen's quote as drifted to mind several times in the last few months. I've mulled the meaning and application to my life right now and have found some bit of peace within.

What was will never be again, but I suppose you could say that of the minute before I wrote this sentence. What is it about standing in the stream and never standing in the same water again -- O I always get that one mixed up!

Slowly I'm making peace with uncertainty. What can be taken away is not what gives me happiness. Try eating that burro whole. I know it -- I can't internalize it, but I'm closer to feeling the surrender and the dark night of hope without hope.

My mind was in a very primeval state of surviving. It feels very awkward to try and write again. I feels strange to try and dig out a feeling and give it words. --- I am also finding typing my thoughts out very strange as words are not coming -- not the ones to describe where I've been and how I got back here - to human land. In the other world it was dark and centric with bit' of light from outwhere beaming in, lending sustenance to the days and weeks every so often from a friend or a piece of the divine.

Returning to human land the TV is still droning on about the same things and it strikes me as curious. I can hear people speak and they don't sound like I'm underwater anymore, I also find that curious -- not that people make words but the words have displaced a meaning;fear. mmmm -- sounds like I'm talking rubbish I suppose -- I'm probably the only one that understands my new language... it also could mean I've lost it entirely!

The light still shines.

"What is not conscious will be lived as Fate." --Jung

"...what is there to fear when we have stayed with ourselves through thick and thin?" -- Pema Chodron

Progress

Hello dear friends --  I'm making progress. I think. I've apparently gone through all the stages of grief regarding, husband, the business, the home and am settling into caretaker mode, as well as accountant, chef, and maid. 

There are all sorts of decisions to be made and I really wish I had someone who could guide me -- hell decide for me, but ultimately it's my decision what happens next. Good news, I don't wake up panicked or feel like throwing up all day! hey, I'll take it. The first casualty is the horses, they are gone now. It was a very sad day when that happened. 

I sold some more things to help keep us going. Still need to figure out how to box up and mail art supplies safely as someone wants to buy them from me.  Still have a few hundred dollars worth of "how to" art books if anyone is interested. 

The chickens are doing good.  The rooster pecked that little white one to death -- should have seen that coming and moved her, but the others are laying up a storm, I'm having to give eggs away to friends and family.  My favorite calming thing to do in the morning is to walk to the chicken coop, say hi to the ladies and then make poached eggs with two fresh ones. 

Also, ECT for husband is really on the table as the next option if this last 'new' medication combo doesn't work. I've read good and bad about it. The memory loss bothers me, but he is very ill. I don't relish this decision, but I'm not relishing any of my decisions lately. 

My mind has been forced to think on a whole new level. It was nice to be financially stable, write and dream one day my mixed media would be good enough to sell and I would travel from fair to fair in the Southwest meeting people and selling my art. That is not to be. But something else will come along. Clearly I like to be creative and I was looking for community and I like not worrying about money.  So I'll find us something small to live in and perhaps go to the Cordon bleu school for cooking, develop community, then am not so isolated caretaking, apply for disability for him at this point and who knows. 

What's is making things extremely difficult to put plans into action is my attachment to this home. Every time I think of a plan, I look up and I'm surrounded by beauty and wide open spaces -- no neighbors, just the wildlife and the hermit in me digs it's little feet in deeper and shouts a resounding "no" in my head!  hard to fight -- get a pit in my stomach every time.

Another thing is I can't tell what my authentic voice is anymore -- I don't know if I like me, if others like me, if I was ever liked, if I ever liked me? -- I know odd --It makes me question whatever I write privately or publicly. And what I think about others is a question mark as well. Weird.  It's like someone through the puzzle pieces of my life up in the air, and they're still hanging up there so I can't even put them back together-- suddenly feel  for poor humpty dumpty.  

Well gang, I'm in one piece in any case. The shock, denial, debating, have receded and I've pretty much settled into acceptance.  Fear and confusion like to heave themselves at me, but I push back. Also, there is a lot of good people out there that didn't let go of me. That was one helluva a nightmare this summer and even if the puzzle pieces are mid-air, and there will be more casualties, gratitude is squarely on the table. 

Off to collect some chicken eggs -- still trying to figure out how to smuggle a chicken into the city -- I hate store bought eggs! 

in love and grace 

Art Supplies?

Okay guys, I've got to be back. I'm still in the weeds, as a girlfriend of mine said, but we are not acute anymore so I have to pull a semblance of meaningful life together. I look back before July 4 and am amazed how life turns on a dime. 

I may be moving over to my other blog just because I don't do art anymore -- it's seems to have disappeared. I've got at least 500 dollars worth of mixed media supplies and at least 200 in books and related literature.  Any suggestions on how to sell them? We are too far out in the boonies to have a typical garage sale. Anybody want them. I'll sell for 1/2 plus the shipping if I can get rid of each in one go. 

I'll take some pictures of said stuff.

I've got a plan people. It's going to work! Still won't have my home, my car or any money, but I've always wanted to learn the Zen way of living. 

those of you still reading ... you are amazing!

A Tale to Tell

Hey -- Well, I'm still trying; haven't given up the ship -- though I do see few rats running by  --  

There is ballast to throw overboard and provisions that will be needed when I land on the desert island. For example....

For example there is a modest treasure chest and our heroine could possibly go to the culinary school thus ensuring a place on the tourist side of the island doing something she loved -though she fears working for the greasy island chimp, but perhaps eventually opening up her own coconut tree could happen. But the using the treasure chest might sink her ship before she gets to the island. Or not!  

She could just take some of the ships library which is lusciously filled with books of every kind and writing utensils of every kind. She would have to part with many, and this, though difficult, is not impossible and our heroine may be able to barter the no longer needed books and artistic supplies for other needed goods. 

Our heroine enjoys writing and though she has keel-hauled it for two years it might come around again. Keeping some of the books could be useful as she hones her writing skills. Though she has been told that there is dark place in the middle of the island that is gathering place for hostile's called agents and publishers, a veritable blood bath she has been told for those who might publish her book. Getting in and out of this place alive is possible if she acquires a very hard tortoise shell when she gets to the island and then spends time caring for it so it does not crack and continues to protect her on her journey. However, she has no marketable idea for a book. So all this may be mute.

Our heroine as been told by shipmates that writing or gastronomy are both worthy pursuits that she is quite capable of. Several of the shipmates have fallen under her spell after consuming magical delicacies like macaroni and cheese, though others have fallen at her knees begging for the rack of lamb with fig/rosemary sauce.

One oddity; the ship was carrying a moose in it's hold, odder still was that it could spell words to communicate. The moose was old and had several handi-caps that had made it hard for her to travel on her own, but her mind was still sharp and she tapped out to our heroine that maybe she would be well served by stopping by the local eateries, sampling their particular fare and perhaps, gasp, writing about it.  A Food Critic. A Traveling Food Critic! A culinary writer.

Our heroine as been consumed with this idea since hearing it only a few days ago. Unfortunately she has added to her book collection instead of detracting garnering more knowledge about such a quest. But, after a long day of bailing water from the ship, scouting the horizon for a safe landing, asking seagulls & dolphins for direction, fending off sharks and tending to a passenger with a bad case of cabin fever, she is holding this idea in her heart pocket, safe from the wind. She pulls it out at night, when she is looking at the stars, and dreams. 

Her mother tells her she should write children's stories and her sister says she should teach.  Our heroine thinks that no matter what direction she goes there will always being a dark middle of the jungle to hike into and out of when one wants to succeed.

Luckily, there are others that swim close to the ship, keeping it safe as can be, and

she still has that styling fairy godmother in the mysterious far east who has left packages of cheer floating in the sea for our heroine to hook up and take encouragement from. Though the blue elephant with a yellow ribbon on his head was a trifle difficult to scoop. But he made it, and is now fast friends with Moosie.  

----------

Okay, I know -- that could use a serious re-write -- was just abstractly speaking -- so to speak.

take good care  who knows what could happen. 

Love

Cyn

Good tidings

hey there out there -- 

I hope all my friends are hanging in there. Wow, I think the worst of my husbands descent into mental illness is over. I'm sure it was precipitated by the seraquol, an anti-psychotic that was not necessary in the first place, which I voiced to the psychiatrist, and I'm damn sure my decision to take him off is why he is better. Though during the weeks of extreme psychosis I doubted everything. I'm not sure I've ever know such fear before. Resisting the push by his family to hospitalize him was tuff. I knew it was the doctors fault, though the doctor would not admit to it. When I took dearest back to him, his answer was to increase the dosage. It was crazy, literally, and sometimes I thought I was going crazy. Your gentle words of support were much needed and much appreciated.  He is doing so well -- I mean he's still depressed but not psychotic anymore and I do think the lamactil helped with the depression as he does not seem to be so severely depressed. 

The road back will be slow and bumpy, but this crisis as shown that I can semi- confidently handle more than I thought I could. Even if I don't like it. There is more to do in the coming year -- I'm not sure where we will live or what we will be doing. I wish sometimes there was something else to focus on besides leaving our home and where the heck are we going to get money to live on-- knowing I'm living here on borrowed time -- I keep thinking some miracle is going to happen -- like suddenly we'll get some big job and we can keep our home and business. I hate opening cupboards and always thinking "well, that will have to go and that will get packed" or all these dishes can go in to the estate sale -- do I really need this or can I sell it. And god, I have books and books, one room in the house was turned into a library/study of sorts -- hundreds, each one is a memory, most are non-fiction, they are a catalog of my journey of studies for the last 25 years. 

The other day I was so desperate -- this is bad -- I actually wished someone would hit me while I was driving and it would be all their fault, but I would be only slightly damaged, the car would be totaled and I would get another one and not have to turn my car back in.  Okay -- that is slightly on the sick side. It was either that or phone sex!

Seriously, there was a thing on TV on how some women are making ends meet by working for a phone sex company -- and raking in 60,000 a year! I don't think I could do it -- I've never been much for talking -- yikes -- not going there......

I suppose wishing I had some ancient rich aunt that drops dead and leaves me about 500,000 won't work either. Well, that's scary all my schemes to get out of this mess involve injury, sex or death. I'm twisted -- desperate times require desperate measures?  Maybe a rich blogger will read this and take pity on me and send 500,000 dollars anonymously?  I think all we needed was another year till the economy came back...but the best laid plans. 

Also, what ever plans I had in studying color theory and continuing with art is out the door -- I have a bunch of supplies; canvases, paints, gel mediums, epherma I wish I could sell to someone without worrying about trying to ship the stuff. 

But, I have to say, that during this whole thing it seems I am being watched out for -- or something --- everyone I have met leads me to another person that is helpful, that doesn't want to charge me, or charges me very little and they lead me to another helpful person, and if they can't help their kindness is amazing. There have only been two twits in this whole thing and that says a lot more for humanity than I was giving it credit for. 

It seems to be fairly depressing to read my fellow art bloggers anymore, everyone seems so safe and comfy in their homes -- getting to produce art -- I'm happy for them, but my heart aches so, selfish has this sounds, I really don't want to visit those blogs anymore  -- I suppose that makes me a terrible person -- envy and coveting -- deadly sins last time I checked -- but, also hard to check in ones own personality -- Ego is not easy to live with , because I think if I was truly spiritual I wouldn't have an ego and would blithely go one about living, whether it be in a car or the hundred acre wood. I don't suppose Winnie the Pooh would care  -- makes me think of that book the Tao of Pooh --- great book if you haven't read it. 

Lately, my creativity gets poured into cooking when I can -- well reading lots of my cookbook's helps for some reason -- go figure -- I get upset and start to read a cookbook and am soothed.  My one guilty pleasure is "Top Chef." Makes my week. :)

Well, ladies and gents, once again super apologies for not having time to catch up on your blogs, I actually miss not reading about someone else other than myself -- or your beautiful poetry -- just don't seem to have the time and when I'm done with a day I seem to fall asleep at all hours.

New psychiatrist in a couple of hours. we will see -- 

Everything is an opportunity, right? And my husband can see me and talk to me -- that is all I really wanted anyway.

Blessings

Cyn

Strength and Fear

Should one choose a psyche ward over ECT(electro shock) when one is anti-depressant resistant and all other meds fail and you do not have insurance. What do you do? I have to look in to ACCHS.

Those psyche wards are scary places, the private ones use anti-depressants and anti-psychotic drugs as a first line treatment, both which have not worked at home. 

I've been doing research on ECT --it's also expensive and it alone is not the answer. It is supposed to be used in conjunction with other medication. but I've heard it has good results. But it seems drastic -- but if he is not responding to meds or they make him worse -- he can't keep going like this -- god, I can't either for that matter. 

He has never suffered from any mental disorder before. He basically has had a nervous breakdown that is getting worse the more medications we try. His best month was the one that was holistic, but I'm afraid that bridge has been burned now. He is too unstable now to go back to that route.

I've been told the ambien he was on for two weeks has nothing to do with anything, yet he was taking two and a mood stabilizer when this all went worse. Then the Seraquol. It's been 6 months since the initial onset of depression. I've looked online and you can get decent info. The exchanges go from this is the best drug and this is the worst. Every body is different I realize this. 

I shut down the business -- a hard thing yesterday was looking into our last and loyal employees and saying it was the end. We have no income, though can apply for unemployment. 

Just when I thought I was getting used to the rolls, it got worse last night -- waaay worse. This is not for home care anymore --I don't think. 

blessings, I'm wish I could get back to reading everyone. Just not there yet.  I used to read stuff of people talking about the bad in their lives and think that was all that they were made of, and some do live for drama -- I don't. Just miss a regular schedule instead of this quicksand or never knowing what is going to happen next. Though preferring one thing and getting another is not reason for not being thankful for the small things and I am. It's actually amazing how the small becomes more vivid in acute crisis. Weird how the world looks, bright smiling faces -- it's surreal sometimes. Like I'm living in one world an everyone else is living next to me, but I'm invisible.  

Juicy Creativity

Awesome Angie you are a darlin for thinkin of me! I love your blog and I'm happy Hybrid J thought of you, another flourishing artist that inspires me.  Got to love them watermelon's - especially in the summer! Though it is winter in Australia -- heading towards spring though! Thank you for passing this along;  "WaterMelon 10 Award" , I believe that it is for people who blog and share their creative spirit on line :) 

These are two great women and blogs that I'd like to pass it on to. 

Calli -- wander loose here; you will lose the worlds version of sanity and find your own.

              "You may enter, but you may never leave"   the music alone will cast it's spell.

Ink Stains Roni --  watch out here, you might get bit by her humongous 'create and live' bug -- and learn some practical techniques along the way. 

Rock and Roll Girls!

The Plot

When I first started to think of that title for this post it was more about the universes plan to annihilate me, then I thought yea,  we're talking plot, as in the one I'm going to buried in if I don't turn my stress levels around. When I was playing nurse checking hubbies' blood pressure all last week, finally I thought I'll check mine --- guess who's was high?

To all Financial planners who are more interested in their bucks than mine, Bankruptcy attorneys that want to charge an arm and a leg when by definition you are the frick out of money, and Accountants who call from their summer homes, leaving you a message on your phone to SAY they are calling from their 'summer home' when it is 112 outside & you have asked for a recommendation for a bankruptcy attorney so you don't lose your original home! - I Spit Upon You!!!

And to the Universe that has decided to rain down this firestorm of financial woes of both home and business, and let my husband get sicker and sicker for 6 months and almost every time we try a new med he is in the hospital, And, BTW! speaking of hospitals for giving me an appendectomy when we are out of money rather than when we we

re flush -- for this firestorm dear Universe I Spit on You as well!!

Also for this one: !!!

Nice cool, calm corner --in 112 degrees, back patio door. However, lurking behind those peacful potspots and that dead plant is

THIS!!!  Let's play how many rattles can you count?  4? There was SIX!!! Twits. I'm so used to removing these rattler's it's not even funny sometimes, but lordie guys, six of you???

Let me tell you rattlesnake wranglin is not for feint of heart! Damn I hate waking these guys up. Luckily they can only strike half the distance of their body and are fairly sleepy in the extreme heat. Hence the sensing the cool place where air-conditioning was leaking from the house. 

There is a book there: City Girl Learns to Wrangle Rattlers. Tool: One flat head shovel. One Large rubbermaid clear bin with lid. Clear cuz it's fun to watch them strike - sort of, & One shot of whiskey. 

I'm probably going to post this on Cyn's Edge as well because I'm trying to be pithy about life lately and started a blog to do so -- it needs all the help it can get, and double post today as I've just had Sooo Much Fun lately, I need to spread the joy!

Hangin in

Hey to lovely friends

We have some very grim issues still being dealt with. Mostly my husband is very, very ill. So I can not blog as I wish or participate. I miss your friendships and appreciate your prayers and good thoughts. Just wanted you to know I'm hangin in.

Blessings

PS I have to plug Waverly's launch of the new magazine "Living in Season."

This was an unexpected surprise. As everything I do right now is an experiment with texture and color and I'm mostly going by intuition, it can be freeing, as I don't have expectations and a big question mark as well. Before I can actually push myself to a canvas my thought go along this line. What are you doing, you can't paint, you're not an artist. Yet this last time I noticed I was more conscious of my thoughts; too much contrast, that part looks good, lead the eye toward the rest-- which color will do that, darks push things back or stick out, Titan Buff is a miracle paint it covers any mistake, cover your babies if they don't work with the design. I was learning!

That right lower corner is not that dark, but I'm also learning how to take pictures of my painting in just the right light and how to use photohop on my Mac. Here's highlighted section with pretty much the exact colors and sharpness.

 I use my color a wheel a lot, but this time not so much. I started with only an idea of layer the yellow and red iron oxides, but I decided to use patience. Biggie there as this is only my 7th attempt at an actual mixed media painting. I put some images and paste the night before, then added color a little at a time. I can see how  painters will work on more than one painting at a time. I really, really like the effects of light molding paste & stencils. 

I tried using an image transfer, that's the bluish center thing that got covered up; with great results. I used a magazine image, torn newspaper images, cheesecloth and a little bit of tissue paper. I'm trying to get a little less going on. 

I mixed up using my polymer med and fluid matte med. and have to look back at some books and instructional dvd's to see how they're used. I liked adhering the newspaper and then tearing it back and the paper just leaving half of itself down. I'm going to have to start taking pictures during the process like Tamara and other's. I'm also finally going to start a notebook. At first it didn't seem worth it as I didn't know what the hell was going to happen.

With that in mind this an 8X7 1/2" canvas, Cerulean deep blue Golden Fluid Acrylic & Golden Light molding paste. Used a broken CD case and a store thingy that you punch out your discount card for as templates for paste. It dries opaque and my 

idea is to see if I can scrunch tissue paper on it.  My easel is my flat table with a extra large canvas still in plastic wrap!:)

Fourth of July 2009

hey! Fell and got a concussion last Sat,, so I'm hangin in. Hope everyone else is too. Here's my plan for the crowd:

Fourth of July 2009

Broccoli Salad – Crowd pleaser –easy

Betty Crocker calls it Broccoli Sunshine Salad online

 

Kat’s favorite potatoes al forno

 

2 1/4 lbs waxy potatoes

3T butter

2 leeks, cleaned, trimmed, halved & sliced

3 garlic cloves thinly sliced

1 T thyme

1 ½ cups mascarpone

1 C white wine

 

Use mandolin for fine even, thin slices of potatoes – to cook evenly.

350 oven

Saute leeks over low heat for about 10 minutes, season with salt & pepper (I use Celtic Sea Salt and Fresh ground pepper)

Add the garlic and thyme.

Grease a shallow gratin dish. Arrange layer of potatoes in bottom of dish, salt and pepper, add 1/3 spiced leek mixture, dollop mascarpone. Make a couple more layers – leeks on top layer, they’ll burn.

 

Pour the wine over all, cover with foil, bake 45 minutes, remove foil, cook 15 more.

 

Mexican Grilled Corn -- 

this is the closest I can come to the version south of the border, it is sooo good.

5 T butter mixed with oregeno to taste –lite is better

 1/4 lbs crumbled Cojita Cheese

5 Ears corn in husks

Soak a couple hours turning once in a while till husks are wet through

Pull back husks spread with herb butter and sprinkle liberally with the cheese.

Cover back up with husks, grill on medium  grill 45 minutes

 

Spareribs

Jerk marinade

Ruffly

½ C oil

1/2 C triple sec or other orange liquor

½ C white vinegar

½ C soy sauce

½ Dijon mustard

¼ C honey or agave

2 Tsp freshly ground pepper

½ Tsp each nutmeg, allspice, cinnamon

½ C cilantro sprigs, ruffly cut smashed down into the cup

4 green onions tops and most green cut off minced

2 T minced fresh Thyme

10 cloves garlic chopped

¼ C finely minced ginger

3 habenero’s or 6 serrano peppers, minced with seeds (wear gloves or don’t touch your face for the rest of the day!)

Rub over two rack of spareribs—I use a kitchen trash bag to put them in and soak overnight. Grill med for about 40 minutes

 

Tres Leches Cake -- 

I get found this in Betty Crocker cookbook years ago and mi amigas in Mexico love it!

One recipe Starlight Cake from Betty Crocker

After cooked and cooled 10  pierce with tined fork every ½ inch

mix

1 C heavy whipping cream

1 C WHOLE Milk

1 can sweetened condensed 14 oz

1/3 C rum

 

Pour over cake. Let set over night.

Frost with

Chill a bowl.

Beat 1C heavy Whipping Cream

2 T Rum

½ t vanilla extract

Sprinkle with chopped toasted pecans

Stay safe, have a Fun Independence day -- don't forget the Suncreen! :)

Blessings

Cyn

ArtExper

Want to put something in that left lower corner... mmm... used light molding past with stencils. The colors and design remind me of Albuquerque. Like how my mixture of colors is getting better. Still got to work on some of that stencil work not looking like blobs.

I really like the Clear Tar Gel... my experiments thus far are very iffy, not sure how to use it effectively yet.
Okay, experiment with pumice gel....with a little garnet -- the upper being light molding paste...{This is a before picture not finished, only paint is the blue in the molding paste 6/30} the whole thing went south when I started painting on it and the first actual in the trash, nothing salvageable piece. I've tried working with that pumice 3 times now with awful results, and I found not to put down the light molding paste by itself or without a plan. No way to save it later. Not fond of that pumice gel.
I wish someone would have put these in my hands first! I've had the "Creative Paint Workshop for Mixed Media" which as been very helpful with basics of composition, abstract design, new products and their application, but the "acrylic Revolution" is chalked full of techniques on how to use some of those Golden products I've been messing with, also great ideas; textures, transfers.. it's like going to an art class. Love it.

"Creative Edge" by Mary Todd Beam is taking all this knowledge and letting yourself go. There is one not shown "Expermenting with Color" which is teaching me a lot about color theory and application in step by step lessons that I find invaluable.

Have a great weekend!

These Small Hours

 

We keep moving forward, opening new 

doors, 

and doing new things, 

because we're curious

and curiosity keeps leading 

us down new paths. 

Walt Disney 

Love & Light

Cynthia

Breathing

I've written about this before. We bought 5 acres in 1992, we built a home and fences and bridges through blood sweat, and tears. We raised two boys here -- I am facing that "For Sale" sign. We are running out of options. This pressure on my chest is daily... I write, I post, I make phone calls, I answer phone calls, I talk to my mom and sis, but we aren't close enough -- normal -- when normal isn't normal. When everything that has represented safety, when everything is not just unknown, it is a black hole. My brain keeps spitting out platitudes; count your blessings, things will get better, you never know what's on the other side -- living it...living it....not working right now. Faking it till you make it...somedays, and this is one, I just can't pretend for today. 

Thank you Bill for Vertigo  Celeste for "Accepting the Unacceptable" Calli for Altar of Hope

Never know what one will find to support one on the journey. Breathing  

Blessings 

Solstice Suprises!

It was a quiet, subtle beginning. Early dawn, finding tenny's, then camera, and out for a walk. Several pictures of the sun rising; there is something magical about watching that first ray, laser like, appear and grow. (that's the Superstition Mtns back there -- Lost Dutchman's mine myth and all that -- great hiking too.)

 Threw scraps to the chickens, looking sharply at one of the Golden Buffs-- there was one 'she' that sure looked like a 'he' -- and then my first surprise sounded!  Walking away I'll be damned if 'he' didn't crow! As you may remember I really wanted a rooster when I started my to put together a new batch last Feb. To my delight one of the Leghorns was a rooster, but alas he died shortly. I knew my odds of another rooster in the pack were slim. A lesson in odds and gifts. 

Then I uncovered my painting that I had put to rest for a few days "Mountain Dream." Was mostly satisfied with the results. Still, I look amateurish -- that's okay, I am, and am not sure if it is done, but it complimented the morning. That is a seagull feather from my last visit to the sea. Tried using the Clear Tar Gel with interesting effects as well as the heavy molding paste and the light. 

And then lo and behold, I look at the kitchen window and Mr. Desert Tortoise is taking a morning stroll right past the dogs! Hubby caught this pic. 

The salsa was a culinary delight rolling and crunching around in the mouth, sweet, hot -- perfect. A success! 

used 1/4 of that Santa Claus, 1/2 jicama; bite size, 1/2 small seedless watermelon, two of those little pears worked great, but that mango was horrible to cut into, not ripe, flavorless - blech, went into the trash! 1/2 red onion, 1/2 of that heirloom tomato -- luscious!, one kiwi, should use two next time, 4 limes juiced in, & handful of cilantro - 1 serrano - not seeded, and one habanero seeded. It was just the right amount of hot -- people east of the Mississippi would think too hot and then there are those of us that could put in on more of each pepper, but I like it this way as the heat and back flavor of the habanero complimented rather than took away from the sweet melon. 

I've had a fair amount of the mania going on for the last two weeks, which has now turned to the flip side; depression. The stress..blah blah, you know. Anyway, tomorrow is the dentist again, other side of my mouth for gum planing --fun times.

All this solstice activity prompted me to change the name of my blog -- which may, or may not take. I'll see, may just be an empty impulse. 

Also you may notice my new links to the crisis in Iran. From 18 to 23 I was married to an Iranian, a wonderful man...we were just too young (sex was great though!) the infusion of culture made so much difference in my growth as a young woman, I regret nothing. It was 1978 and the hostage crisis began 6 months after we were married. I found out first hand about hatred when I came out of my apt to see my windshield bashed in, part of my family -- some aunts and uncles made judgments  without knowing any history of the US and Iran; the comments were embarrassing -- for them. I did my English 102 paper on the history of how we got to were we were with Iran and about the people; I did massive research and interviews. The professor called me in for plagiarism; I don't think he like my stance. It was an A paper, I showed him my proof and he gave me a B. I still feel close to that time, the TV images of streets filled with protester's remind me of the days of being glued to Ted Koppel's 10 pm report --- hence the links if anyone is interested.  Knowledge is understanding ==judgement is prejudice. 

 blessings -- hope to catch up after my mouth is numbed and I'm eating applesauce, miso soup and living on Jamba juice - 16 oz Bright eyed blueberry -- Yum!

Salsa Bowl -This-n-That

Father's Day weekend, Summer Solstice, sons home for the weekend, and some great awards to boot! -- What's a girl to do to? First it was clean house -- then it was off to the market -- Plenty of fresh fruits and Vegies --and a Whole Body cleanse to begin on the Solstice. 

The market had some exotic fruits I couldn't resist so a fruit salsa started to create in my mind.

From left I'll start with the Kiwi, Jicama, Red onion, orange, Santa Clause melon, Cilantro, Habenero (HOT! - but great flavor) and then my first little discovery, an Ataulfo (isn't that name great?) Mango -- I'm not partial to mangoes, so I keep trying different varieties, but I think it will be a nice flavor and different texture amoungst all the crunch. The other discovery, a Forelle Pair -- I collected 3 has they are so small. Then serrano pepper and a very delious smelling heirloom tomato -- I so enjoy their flavor. Not showing is the limes, oops.  Don't know how much of any particular ingredient yet, but will let you now how it turns out. 

Tori was very generous and graciously awarded me with some pretty spectacular awards to aspire to --  I think, though, this speaks more to Tori's beautiful soul than anything else.  Tori graduates today. (I hope the sun is shining!) She is a bright and gifted young lady. You might want to stop over and take a peak at her blog. 

This award was developed by Tessa in honor of Dr Maithri Goonetilleke's birthday. Tessa was inspired by the way Dr Goonetileke reaches out to others and, with his humanity as her guide, she created this award "to acknowledge the depth and breadth of the warm open-heartedness from bloggers all over the world who reach out and touch their readers with their words." Tessa goes on to quote Dr Goonetilleke: "It has been my experience that whenever one human being reaches out to another in compassion, a bridge is built. A bridge which leads out of despair, into the light of hope and the possibility that tomorrow will hold a few less tears than yesterday."

Bohomom said of this award: Sarah from Cottage Garden Studio has beautifully described what this award means... 

"The Mental Duck to Mental Swan Award is given to two amazing groups of bloggers;
1. To Bloggers who encourage and nurture others bloggers to explore and grow in their creative, spiritual or mental lives.
2. To Bloggers who are blooming and growing creatively, spiritually or mentally in their lives & sharing it on their blogs.

This Noblesse Oblige Award is an award given to those who promote creativity, and positive thinking. The recipient's blog is refreshing and creative and has a clear purpose.
The recipient of this award is recognized for the following:

1. The Blogger manifests exemplary attitude, respecting the nuances that pervade amongst different cultures and beliefs.

2. Their Blog contents inspire; strives to encourage, and offers solutions

3. There is a clear purpose at the Blog; one that fosters a better understanding on Social, Political, Economic, the Arts, Cultures, Sciences and Beliefs

4.The Blog is refreshing and creative

5. The Blogger promotes friendship and positive thinking

The Blogger who receives this award will need to perform the following:

- Create a post with a mention and link to the person who presented the Noblesse Oblige Award.

- The Award Conditions must be displayed at the Post.
- Write a short article about what the Blog has thus far achieved – preferably
citing one or more older posts as support.
- The Blogger must present the Noblesse Oblige Award in concurrence with the Award conditions.
- Blogger must display the Award at any location at their Blog.

The definitions of these awards are inspiring, the sentiments, the words are everything one hopes to become in their life time. 

I started a blog with no clear purpose except maybe to find a place for my SoulCollage Cards. I was skeptical of blogging, friendships in cyberspace, but to quote the inspirational Hilary Clinton, "I found my voice." The authentic me and am still discovering what I'm passionate about.   Grace broke through that cynicism -- and humour, music, dancing, support! I think when you are supported, and others eyes see your precious gifts and only glance askance at your flaws -- you blossom -- at least I have. 

Thank you Tori and I pass these awards to 

Jane at Jane's Medicine Tree

Robyn at Robyn Coffman's blogspot

Tamarak at Tamaraks Table

Lisa/Kavindra at A Clear Path to Happy

You always inspire me to be more than who I think I am. 

A Father's Day surprise for dear beloved -- his favorite Pineapple Upside Down Cake

and for you friends as well. 

1/2 C butter

1 C firmly backed brown sugar

1 can sliced pineapple

Large whole pecans

1 C sifted cake flour

1 tsp baking powder

1/8 tsp salt

3 eggs separated

1 C sugar (I use fine baking sugar)

5 Tbl Pineapple Juice

1. Melt butter in 9X9X2 inch pan -- I like my round one

2. Spread brown sugar evenly in pan

3. Arrange pineapple slice on sugar, filling spaces w/pecans.

4. Sift flour, baking powder and salt together.

5. Beat egg yolks until light, adding sugar gradually.

6. Add pineapple juice and sifted dry ingredients alternately to egg-yolk mixture; mix until blended after each addition.

7. Fold in stiffly beaten egg whites.

8. Pour batter over pineapple in pan.

9. Bake in 375 oven 30-35 minutes.

10. Let cool 10 minutes, then turn out on a serving plate.

Serve with vanilla bean ice cream.

Love and Light!

WTJ Wk 3 -- Healing

The breaking of my journal last week inspired a weird sort of compassion. I felt very sorry for my little book and set about putting it back together. There is something very tender that emerges when you go about healing something.

This week, walking out of the movies, a group of three 11ish young girls  huddled around a baby bird fallen from of tree, obviously not long for this world, but it's little beak was open trying to breathe and little eyes shut as one of the girls cradled it in her palm. When I walked by they looked at me wondering what to do. I've been here when my boys were younger, when I was younger, and there was nothing at all that could be done except to set it back down on the ground under the tree. 

The smooth faces, fly-away hair, bare legs and arms in shorts and strapped tee's, and the earnest  "What if we do___?" questions reminded me of those careless summer days of youth, of tiny heartbreaks that made one grow-up a little bit when one wasn't looking. The bird could not be healed, but the desire was there. There was a little connection of love between us five as the one girl laid the tiny thing back on the ground. I turned to leave while those three, fledglings themselves, stayed behind, probably doing that thing us women still do when together during grief, confusion & transitions -- finding comfort in our sisterhood.

I've enjoyed that unexpected gift with this journal -- the sisterhood. 

So, here is my healed book, much better than before, and a new motto on the front {click on the picture to read it,} and it smells so heavenly too!

Bright Blessings

Cyn 

PS - I think the colored duct tape was a true inspiration from above! 

Sunrise

My experiment with tissue paper, molding paste, cheesecloth, paper bag and color -- not bad results.

blessings today and always,

 "Discover all you are not. Body, feelings, thoughts, ideas, time, space, being and not-being... nothing concrete or abstract you can point out is you. You must watch yourself continuously -- particularly your mind -- moment by moment, missing nothing. The witnessing is essential for the separation of the self from the not-self."

 ---Sri Nisargadatta Maharaj, "I Am That"

WTJ Wk 2 -- Observing

These two pictures added to blog later in the day -- I forgot about my blue circles and new art supplies being so surprised at my book actually breaking!  These are the little new dew drop chalk inks. I love the colors.  Sorry I was cranky this morning. I think my journal was more sorry.

I woke up very CRABBY this morning! When I opened my journal it fell on this page so I very aggressively swung the book in my right hand against the short end of open door. This felt so good I did it four more times and to my utter surprise the book broke in half! Can you believe it?? I stood there looking down for 1/2 a sec striking silent my brain think, blinking. I REALLY destroyed the book. OMG this was too ironic! Now what?  Take a picture. It is still there, across from me as I type  -- my superstitious nature is wondering if it is a sign.

This week I found myself observing my reactions to the prompts in WTJ and after declaring my independence last week was surprised to find resistance. I didn't want to sew and said so, but have decided I'll find some thread and give it a go. I saw a page instructing to throw it out and one that said give away your favorite page! What? My adult did not want to trash a page, it was akin to burning books, and my little girl definitely did not want to share her favorite page. She didn't know what it was yet and it may be really good!

 This made me wonder why. I've got some guess's worth exploring. 

Another observation was I thought the outside of the book very ugly and did not want to carry it with me, let alone sleep with it. Now what the hell does that say about me? I'm a closet snob? mmm
My husband was horrified while I gleefully tore up the front page. It was a good thing this pyro decided to burn over sink... things almost got carried away!! had to douse it under the water and now the book has this wonderful over used, fell in the bathtub look! (well, it did) Writing on the closed pages reminded me of HS, bored, writing aimlessly. This prompted a exercise where I started drawing a little guy jumping in the lower right corners of several pages -- this was SO Fun!! -- creating my own small movie. 

Yes, I wrote bad words on my four letter word page -- and then crossed them out -- this is PG after all. :)

The pictures were taken over a piece of practice art. Filling in the T's with red marker and noticing they looked like crosses so I went over them making them more obvious made me feel positively devilish!

I found many of my reactions spilling into real life. I tore up my house to rearrange it. I didn't bust ass to cook when my son came home with a guest and when my out of state relatives came to visit and consequently more of hubby's family came. It was weird. No one is hardly ever at our house and the minute I turn the kitchen into a pseudo studio with no place to sit and full of art that is absolutely neophyte, people show up. Very odd signs this week. 

I enjoyed the hidden messages I found out about myself this week. This isn't just about breaking rules, or making pretty art, or getting creative -  It is also about WRECKING and exploring my reactions to that wrecking. Very, very unexpected. Had me smiling sideways.

Hope your weekend is full of surprises!

PS -- posted a few hours later: You must check out this video song-- Dar Williams - As Cool as I Am -- about us Women --here Moomin Light !